This is a one shot I wrote a few years ago. Read, Enjoy, Comment!

Rated: NC-17     Pairing: Spencer/Ashley


It was 3 years ago when I last saw her. 3 years ago when I last loved her. Her soul left an imprint on my heart. That mark will always remain.

I inherited my need to reach out to people from my father. As a social worker he never thought twice of attempting to help someone he felt was in need. I always said that type of job wasn’t for me yet I took on that same mentality early in life I suppose.

I can’t help but smile as I see her approach me. My smile has nothing to do with her striking beauty, gorgeous physic, or to die for fashion sense. No, this is a rueful smile in retrospect of where she got all those shinning attributes that people admire so much.

I stand and feel those strong arms wrap around my frame. Couple that with the strong scent of the perfume I hate so much, yet love on her, and my breath catches in my throat.

I’m so fucked.

As I pull away and look into those dark eyes I realize…I maybe more right then I expected.

We’re talking now. Well she’s talking. I think I’m participating but I can’t be sure. She’s trying to catch me up on 3 years of not talking except for a couple happy birthday texts.

My head is elsewhere. My imagination is running wild with thoughts of the girl I used to know. The one that was quiet and insecure. The one that actually needed me. The one before she became the “it girl.”

She’s telling me how much she’s missed me now. I’ve been right where she left me. I internally roll my eyes as I tell her I feel the same. I have missed her. Not this her, but her nonetheless.

I remember when it was all I could do to remind her how beautiful she was, is. I remember how much fun it was proving it. I remember going out of my way to make her smile just because I loved the way it not only made me feel better to see her do it but everyone around her. I remember trying to affirm my undying devotion as her friend by keeping my hands off of her. I also remember her refusing my chivalry.

The drinks have come. She still drinks the same thing. It’s good to know everything about her hasn’t changed. In many ways I blame myself for how I feel about her now. They say you should let sleeping giants lie. I mistook a state of sleep for a state of unhappiness. Now I have to live with the consequences, or live without, depends on how you look at it I guess.

She’s asking to see my apartment. It’s not far from here. The city has been good to me. So has my Masters in journalism.

I let her lead the way as I take in her retreating form. She’s a lot slimmer then I remember her. I don’t know if I like that or not. Some say she looks better without the few pounds of baby fat. I say she was perfect the way she was.

Before long we’re at my place. I let her into the darkened pent house letting the moonlight streaming through the floor to ceiling windows create the perfect backdrop.

She’s complimenting me on something. Who knows? I can hear her sexy husky voice as it spills over her lips, but very little of it is making it in. I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I had to stop listening to her long ago or I’d hate her. I never wanted that. Even at the height of my resentment for her, I loved her. Still do.

So deep in thought about the past I don’t even recognize her standing in front of me. I turn to not look at her but through her. The way I haven’t in far too long. And in that split second I see her. My face lights up for the first time this evening and I know she notices because now she sees me too. We’re both two college kids who met one summer trying to make more money. I’m the nice girl who dared to care and she’s the self proclaimed bad girl who dared to be cared for.

I unconsciously take a hand and run my fingers down her face from forehead to chin. That was our thing. Our way of saying I love you without words. She lights up and steps closer to me allowing me to wrap my arms around her. She nuzzles her face into my neck noting I still smell the same too. She used to say she loved my scent. How it lingered. How her bed and pillows would smell of me days later and she’d never miss me.

I smile at that memory as I hold her that much tighter. She feels so small now. She’s the smaller girl I tried my best to protect but was never really able to. I could keep the outside world from her, as daunting a task that was, I was never capable of protecting her from herself. That’s an impossible feat for anyone. Knowing that never stopped anyone from trying…including me. That was a long time ago though, and a mistake I wouldn’t dare make today.

I feel her shift from simply nuzzling my neck to feeling warm breath on the sensitive skin there followed by warm lips. Soft perfect lips that I haven’t felt in so long. I sigh at the indescribable feeling that shoots through me. It’s the feeling of present confusion and elation mixed with past passion and excitement. It’s all too much for me to handle as my knees buckle. Now she’s holding me. This is new. Her supporting me was something she was never too capable of doing.

I’m transported to 3 years ago when I was making the first move. Taking the first steps. I can still feel that, “oh my God,” spark in my belly the first time I made a move and she let me. Then again she always just let me and that was always a big part of our problem.

Now I’m letting her. She lowers me to the couch as she still gently nibbles and sucks on my neck. She does that half suck half bite thing I taught her. It feels so good.

She’s now straddling my lap, her dress rising along her thighs. My hands remain lifeless at my sides. I think I’m in shock. She captures my earlobe in her teeth and I gasp. “Touch me,” she whispers in my ear.

Never one to disappoint, that’s just what I do. I place my hands on those perfectly toned and smooth thighs pushing the dress further up her hips as I go. I grab her backside and pull her further into me and hear her groan as she continues to work on my pulse point. It’s making it hard to concentrate but I’ll be all right. Her lips trail across my jaw line and I turn my head slightly to meet her lips mid approach.

The feeling of her lips on mine is something I’ve missed dearly but no one on this planet would ever hear me utter that. I never got to experience her kiss much, ironically enough. Kissing was cheating, me being inside her was…something else. Her mouth is hot on mine as our lips slide across each other’s. She pulls back slightly just to make me chase her.


Especially since I do.

I see that asshole of a smile grace her lips as she brings her lips back to mine. She tilts her head and I eagerly accept her probing tongue. Her mouth still tastes the same. Her kiss is different, more experienced but it’s hers all the same. Our tongues swirl in a sensual dance again and again.

I take this time to reacquaint myself with myself with her dips and curves. I let my hands cup two full breasts and run along those once nice but now sculpted abs. She’s doing the same to me. I feel her hand wrap itself in my hair and pull me impossibly closer. I can feel the need in her kiss and smell her desire come from her spread legs. I know this is what she came here for. Not sex but intimacy. To feel that closeness with someone again because I’m positive I’m the first and last place she got it from.

I allow my right hand to caress the insides of her thigh. I stroke the soft skin slowly working my way up higher towards the apex of the thighs. I’m greeted with moisture before I even reach the peak. I run the pads of my fingers across the silk material feeling her how hard and ready she is through them. I stroke to tease. She moans and tenses up trapping my bottom lip in between her teeth.

That sound kills me every time. The first sound of a woman’s desire. The sound when you know stopping is not an option. That sound ends my teasing. I push her panties to the side taking a brief moment to coat my fingers before plunging two deep inside of her.

She looseness her hold on my lips to let out a long hiss and grab my shoulders. I feel her nails dig into my blouse clad shoulders as she pushes herself back to look into my eyes. I get lost in a sea of mocha waves as she begins to rock her hips toward and away from me. I like she could swallow me whole as I watch the emotions play across her face. She’s trying to convey her every want and desire through her eyes.

It’s working.

I know she’s sorry. I know she loves me. I also know she’ll never change.

Her eyes clamp shut shuttering all her emotions behind them as I use my thumb to slide across her slick bundle of nerves. She’s moaning loudly into the silence of my apartment. The sounds are driving my desire up to a level it hasn’t reached in well…years. She’s so warm around my fingers. Her neck feels so good against my lips. Her weight feels just right against my body. I’m as close to heaven as I’ve been in so long. The thought that it will be just as long before I feel it again makes me want to hold on for dear life.

Much like she’s holding on to me. I can feel the muscles of her stomach contracting signaling she’s close. I’m disappointed because I don’t want this to end. I know it must though because she clearly cannot hang on for much longer.

Simply out of curiosity I take a moment to add another finger. I would have never done this before because I knew she couldn’t take it. Someone else didn’t seem to care as much because she takes and it just spurs her on more.

She’s whimpering incoherent words with an occasional, “I missed you, so good, don’t stop,” or “I need you.” I know all of that, but it’s still so good to hear.

My arm is cramping yet I still try to go even deeper than ever before. I lick the shell of her ear and make that purring sound she used to love so much. Now is no different as she moans even louder and captures my lips again kissing me to oblivion. One more swipe of my thumb across her clit and she goes spinning off into the abyss. Her walls clamp down on my fingers and I have to try my hardest not to climax right along with her. She lays her head on my shoulder and nuzzled there once again breathing deeply. I don’t know if it’s from the orgasm she just had or if she’s trying to recommit my scent to memory. Either way it feels great having her like this again. The sex is always great but I’d be happy just holding her and stroking her hair. I wrap my arms around her as tightly as I can, holding her closely. She’s almost like a child as she melts into me. Her breathing is still labored. She should have calmed by now. That’s when I realize.

She’s crying.

I know why. I almost cry too. Almost.

There’s no point in trying to consol her. She doesn’t like when anyone sees her cry. I was one of the only people she ever cried in front of. To try and pry now would set me back years. I just stroke her back and let her release whatever it is that she needs to.

After a few moments she calms and I’m still holding onto her. I’d never let go, even if I could. But the her that’s here with me now is not who she is. So I’ll be forced to let go and soon.

She pulls back and looks into my eyes. I don’t think I’ve uttered a single word since we started kissing. I don’t think I’ll say another word until its goodbye.

The her I know is still here with me. I was so expecting my her to leave as soon as she came and the new her to arrive, but she’s still here. She’s piercing me with her eyes. I want to look away but I can’t. I never could. That’s why she was drawn to me. I would never back down. Just like now.

We don’t break eye contact as she unbuttons my jeans and the zipper is slowly slid down. I’m sure she sees the flash of surprise that crosses my countenance. Her making such an overt reflection of her desires is something I’ve never experienced. Something’s different here.

She gets up from my lap so she can pull off my jeans along with my underwear. I ask her with my eyes if she’s sure about this and she knowingly nods and smiles.

I give in.

After lifting myself to allow her to get to my naked bottom half she’s on her knees before me. The thing that’s different, the thing I couldn’t put my finger no is…

She’s in love.

And not with me.

Before I have time to process what is really going on she’s pushed my knees apart and wastes no time diving in head first.

This is a definite first. She’s never done this for me before. We’ve done…things but never this. And to my surprise and delight…she’s good at it. Really good. She uses the flat of her tongue to explore the expanse of my center. She’s trying to consume every part of me and it’s driving me crazy. I want to grab the back of her head and pull her in further but instead I grab a handful of sofa and hold on for dear life. She grabs my left leg and puts it over her shoulder getting that much further in to lap up all of my juices.

By now I can’t keep quiet any longer and I let out a moan. She does too, sending shock waves through my entire body. My head is reeling. She seems to be lost in me and I in her. I feel her lips latch onto my clit and my head is thrown back from the unexpected feeling. Her tongue seems to have a motor in it as it flicks over my sensitive button over and again.

At this point she’s moaning as much as I am as I feel myself about to lose control. She’s never made me cum this fast and seemingly hard. Her tongue never stops as she dips two fingers inside of my awaiting walls. Before I know it my body is rocked to the core with painful delight, bittersweet agony, euphoric tragedy.

She licks me clean before returning to her upright position and this time it’s her that holds me as my body comes back to some semblance of normalcy.

I can’t remember the last time I felt this complete. This whole. This time it’s me who cries because though I know this won’t be the last time I feel it, I know it’ll be a very long time before I feel it again.

I’m crying because this is the goodbye we never had the opportunity to give each other so many years ago.

This time when she pulls back I know it’s for good. Her deep brown orbs search mine. They search my soul for the goodbye she so desperately needs. The one I was so reluctant to give before but have to now.

I give it to her, still without uttering a word.

She stands and rights her clothing before grabbing her purse.

She takes her fingers and run them down my face just the way I did to her a few hours ago. I smile and watch as she turns to leave, her confident stride returning. She stops at the door to take one last look at me and I watch as she once again becomes that person I don’t know and don’t care for before closing it behind her.

I sit and stare at the NYC skyline as I reflect upon the activities of the night. After some time I eventually redress. A soft knock on my door finally brings me back to reality. I half expect it’ll be her again. Its not.

“Spence, baby I was calling you. We have to pick the flowers for the ceremony by tomorrow or we’re going to lose our hold. Also your mother called and said that she refuses to come if the bridesmaids wear peach.”

I smile at my fiancé as she continues to chat mindlessly. I think I’m responding.

It was 3 years ago when I last saw her. 3 years ago when I last loved her. Her heart left an imprint on my soul. That mark will always remain.

I take one last look at the door, “see you in 3 years,” I mutter then turn and walk away.